He Knows

Yesterday was quite the mind blowing day at work, so much heavy stuff going on in every direction. The largest being the inevitable closing of my elementary school. Ugh.😔 I read back over my verses and devotional yesterday, which were, “surely I am with you always even to the end of the age.” My 28:20 The corresponding commentary from God’s voice: “No matter what you may lose in this life, you can never lose your relationship with me.” I know I have only been at this school since the beginning of August, but the staff felt like family immediately. Cancer has definitely been a year of stripping all I have held dear including the many idols I have had in my life. One at a time: coffee, sugar, cheese, chips, cooked veggies, money, health, respect from radiologists & oncologists, modesty, animal protein, strength, more money, free time, much hair, did I say money?, eating out, socializing with family and friends, my mom (well, cancer didn’t strip that, but it occurred during this cancer time), my dearest friend Amanda...and my list could go on and on. I wasn’t really feeling the pain of a brand new loss lately...until yesterday and even more today as it sinks in. It’s a new wound, raw and open. “He knows. He knows” kept repeating in my mind and lulled me to sleep last night. And I know He is right there beside me and will be continue to be there by me in all my tomorrows. Regardless, I am human and I grieve...another loss. A loss that has brought me so much hope this past month. When I found a couple new lumps in August, my new co-workers became my new motivation to press on and fight. Now we only have a school year together. Maybe that hope quickly became an idol instead of putting my hope in Him. It will be a long, continual process of laying it at his feet again and again; and I will still be grateful for what I do still have right now. God taught me through cancer to hang on to His promises. Cling to the truth that He does bring beauty from the ashes. Hold on to the hope that “He knows” and can make something even more beautiful out of this regardless of my inability to see much good in it at this time. That’s why it is called faith and not feelings. So I press on. Trusting.