Numbered Days

“Teach is to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12

Being completely honest, as the goal of this blog is, my vacation time this summer and every day since, one of my daily goals is “stay alive.” Every decision that comes up has to go through the filter...”is this going to create life in me or push me towards death.” Especially after experiencing vertigo, and not knowing what it was, my mind kept thinking “brain cancer,” numbering my days became even more real. Around that time I also found lumps on my neck near my lymph nodes. Not good.

I remember seeing Amanda’s develop on her neck and mine look basically the same. I did panic for a few days. Spent most of my mental energy worrying, questioning, and finally hashing it all out with God.

I realized my most basic fear wasn’t death, it was shame. I chose this road most people in the U.S. don’t walk. It’s completely contrary to what our media tells us every other commercial, every other page in a magazine, every publicized research article. Publicized being the key word. Actually, it’s also pages, plural in magazines; (shows you how much money they are profiting). But I am writing about my shame and feeling like a failure if my chosen path is unsuccessful; so I will veer off this rabbit trail. A couple of months ago I made an appointment through the U. For non-locals that’s the University of Iowa. For locals, it’s the place revered to find healing from all our physical woes. With all the questions from people about my status and plan, I was feeling the pressure to find definite answers. Of course, she, the doctor, couldn’t get me in until after vacation, and I started to place my hope in finding clarity and answers from her as the worry of lymph tumors and brain tumors relentlessly swirled in my mind.

Finally the day arrived. My hopes were sky high. After she came - in over an hour late 🙄 and told me nothing I didn’t already know, 😤 my hopes sunk to the depths. 😭 Very dark and low depths by the time I got home. 😵 Prostrate on my floor, eyes flooded with tears, voice and heart broken...I hashed it out with God...again. (Truly, the best place to go.)

My mind went back to my doctor in Arizona saying, ”We put our faith in white coats (doctors) to find our healing, white coats see us for maybe 15, 30 minutes, if we are lucky. They don’t know our bodies like we know ourselves. Healing comes from within us.” Boom! 💥 Mind blown. To hear anyone say that, let alone a doctor!

Confession time...again.

I was looking to a white coat for healing and relief from the impending shamefulness of no answers. I agree with “the healing comes from within” only because I believe inside of me, I have the Holy Spirit, God residing. He IS Yahweh Rophe, my true healer. He IS Yahweh Yireh, my provider. And when, only when, I chose to listen to His still small voice in every decision I make throughout my day, this day, today, not yesterday nor next week, next month...but today. That is where the healing begins. “Help me want the Healer more than the healing.” As Natalie Grant sings.

So I press on. One day at a time. Trying to carefully listen. Trying to obey. And I’m not gonna lie. It’s hard. Very hard sometimes, many times throughout the day. Last night I would have rather had a bowl of cereal before bed than drinking my salty, sulfery drink. (I can make up words, right?) Right now, I would rather be accomplishing my to-do list, organizing the piles of stuff all around me instead of spending my morning doing all of my therapies I couldn’t fit in to my new schedule since going back to work.

But it is here, right here, in each choice of “what do I do with this moment God has given me?” Here is where I find healing.

I make my choices following His lead, not the pressure to please others with my choices, but to please Him and Him alone. Do I see the breast specialist she recommended? Do I see the GI specialist she referred me to?

I waited on the GI specialist and already I am seeing progress without her. I will spare you the TMI details. Just trust me on that. 😉 The breast specialist will push chemo, radiation, and surgery...the only options her schooling taught her. I don't believe

those bring true healing to our bodies. They bring havoc instead. At this point, I won’t even do low-dose again. That was enough havoc on my body. But maybe I see her so insurance will finally pay for some testing to know my current status? I don’t know. Fill my body with carcinogens so I can answer “How am I doing?” How am I doing? I am daily trusting. Daily working WITH God to take care of this temple He has given me for this short time on earth. How am I doing? I couldn’t be in a better place...safe in His hands when I obey Him. “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.” Psalm 91:4

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; You are mine. When (it doesn’t say ‘if’, but ‘when’) you pass through the waters, I will be with you; When you walk through the fire, You will not be burned; The flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” Isaiah 43:1b-3a