Back to IV Treatment
After weeks focused on my PET scan then my mom, my brain woke up and realized, “You need to get back to taking care of yourself. So it was my first day back to IV therapy. Tom already had commitments and after a very rough weekend, the previous morning I was feeling great. “I can drive myself!”, I realized with much excitement. I love driving. After way too many, “Are you sure you are ok driving by yourself?” questions from Tom, I pulled out of the driveway. Independence here I am! I kid you not. I didn’t get more then five miles down the highway and tears were rolling down my face. These weren’t tears of joy but complete apprehension. I was so excited to drive I hadn’t fully thought about the needle stick awaiting me. I can’t get my port out until the following Friday and I really need it flushed so I don’t get any blood clots. And I really need vitamin C. Plus, I forgot my stress “ball”—“Stick it to the Cancer Man!” Grrr...I’m going to have to wring my own hands. 😳 Kudos to the many of you with ports and no physical or psychological issues, but that is not me currently. I am sobbing as cars pass by. I am driving and crying out loud to God begging for His help at the clinic and help just getting there through blurry tears. I have to get there I need this. Then, again I kid you not, on the radio, as I’m trying to catch my sobbing breath, a song with the lyrics: “I am not alone. I am not alone. You will go before me. You will never leave me.” Did God just directly speak to me through a song?! My eyes lift and I cry more from the immediate comfort and truth God is obviously speaking to me. Next song, “Great is Your faithfulness, I am still in your hands...You have never failed me yet.” Really. I am not kidding. Seriously, God? I DO remember how you have carried me through cancer, broken elbows, and mom’s sickness.
Next song, as the sobbing has slowed to whimpers: “Oh no, you never let go, in every high and every low...Lord you never let go of me.” Yep, this is a low and you’ve got me in the palm of your hand, right where you want me. For my 40 some years, you have never let go of me...in the calm and in the storms. You’ve got this God. But wait, He doesn’t completely quite have every bit of my heart yet. “Help my unbelief!”
Next song, “All that I need He’s already done.” On the cross. Even if my port is clogged and the needle poke takes multiple tries and wiggles. My only real need is what He has already accomplished on the cross. Taking my place, my punishment, for my many failings, doubt, and selfishness. “It is finished.” Peace washes over every inch of my body...and I drive on. But wait...He’s not done with me yet. About 90 minutes later I pull into the clinic’s parking lot and hear these lyrics, “Fear-he is a liar...he will take your breath, stop you in your steps...rob your rest, steal your happiness. Cast your fear in the fire, ‘Cause fear-he is a liar.” I listen to the song its entirety; cast my fear into fire figuratively; and courageously walk in the clinic. Chin up. Side by side with my Savior. Needle stick went as good as it can. Port flushed immediately. Vitamin C washes through my veins. I did get nausea and lightheaded. But I felt better after I release crud into the trash can beside me.
Then...in walked Betty. Oh, what joy that fills my soul! She has the same type of cancer. We got to sit by each other at a previous appointment and had some great conversation. Hit “Repeat” button. Blessings far beyond my fear-filled expectations 3 hours ago.
I couldn’t make up God’s voice through songs today if I tried. I am so thankful for music that redirects me to truth and my Heavenly Father. What a blessing!
As a teenager growing up in po-dunk IA, all I really wanted was a contemporary Christian radio station. I thought when I grow up, I need to start a radio station here, so teens have something positive to listen to. Now, we have more than one station. Blessings abundant. And I didn’t even have to start it up on my own. I can simply support it in prayer and financially. God is so good.
Then, I think of Christians around the world who don’t even have a Bible in their own language, let alone worship music as they face persecution far worse than I can imagine. 😞 🤔