Walk Out

(Big Sigh) A month ago I had a traumatic experience with the needle insertion in my port for chemo. Since then it feels like I have PTSD. Anxiety builds the closer I get to chemo days, purely from a needle-sticking standpoint. A few weeks ago when I finally stopped socializing, turned toward the nurse, and saw the needle suddenly coming straight for my chest my eyes bugged out, out came a little scream, and up came my hand for the block. Today? Today was way worse. It took three tries of stabbing and digging around to get the needle right where it needs to be to functioning properly. Not once, not twice, but THREE times! Seriously?! I know, I didn’t help by panicking, moving, wincing, yelling and eventually crying. Ahhh! I had it. Out the door I walked. (After finding Kleenex.) Made it about three steps before I had a complete breakdown. So thankful my husband could be there with me today to hold me while I just sobbed. I don’t know how people endure pain, especially constant pain 24/7. Praying for grace and mercy and hope and healing for them.

I normally don’t cry at the drop of a hat, but I am spent. It doesn’t take much for me to be spent physically, mentally, or emotionally lately. My friend from AZ got her test results today. Cancer tests are the absolute worse test, the worst! How does a person prepare? You can’t prepare for them by studying. If only. You merely do what you can and try not to stress because stress makes it worse. So these tests are enough emotionally, in and of themselves, without any other issues. And we all know life doesn’t work one issue at a time wrapped up in a tidy neat box. Then, top it off with results that are not what she was hoping to hear, nor what any of us wanted to hear for her. Sad for her. Helpless. Frustrated.

I’ve also been going through boxes of extended family pictures when I have the opportunity. Those pictures, memory books and letters from the past have been a joy to read (most of the time) but they are also a very emotional trip down memory lane. It’s surprising to see how many are no longer with us. And, I am how old?! Already?!

Trying to not let myself get bogged down with the uncontrollable surrounding me, and instead, focus on what I can do to make each subsequent day better. Trusting on God's continued strength and peace. (Ps 29:11) Struggled being courageous today, but I didn't faint. I will wait on Him and persistently ask him to strengthen my heart and give me courage. (Ps 27:14) I definitely cannot do this on my own.

Thankful for today to be done. Thankful for spring beauty, warmth, and sunshine surrounding us as we traveled; driving in rain might have been one straw too many today. Thankful for new mercies every morning. Thankful I don’t have to get stabbed with a needle tomorrow. Woo hoo!