Raw Prayers, Emotionally Rough Week

Heavenly Father,

I know you are there. I know you are here. But I can’t see you, I can’t feel you, I can’t touch you, I can’t hear you. Feeling so discouraged in the middle of this desert storm today. I can’t see through the dark clouds to the hope of a bright tomorrow. The constant spinning around and around in this endless tornado of striving for health, hope, and peace; waiting to get released on dry land near refreshing waters of hope, truth, and eternal life. Desperate for your touch. Desperate for your grace. Desperate for your love. I need you. You alone. I am so frustrated with all the noise. All the chaos. All the hustle and bustle and distractions. I want to get away. Get away to peace and quiet. How can I hear you through all the noise constantly surrounding me. I need reprieve. I need silence. I need change. I need solitude. I need You, peace in the storm. You slept in a boat during a storm on the Sea of Galilea, help me find peace time and again in this storm. I am begging for you to surround me. I don’t see any of those needs happening without You. Please come in the midst of the noise and chaos.

Help me to hear your still small voice through the screaming of this world, the pressure of time, and the noisiness of my days. I don’t know what to do. But you told me this week to work on who I am to BE instead. What does that look like fleshed out? How do I change whom I’ve become into who you created me to be? Please...lead me. Clearly lead me. I need clarity in this dark storm, O God.

Remember the Israelites, us humans aren’t the sharpest crayons in the box. Myself included. I’ve been dulled by all my selfish pursuits, striving, idols and comforts of this world. Remember the mercy you gave the Israelites. Please rain down your mercy and grace on me and those around me, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Remember your cloud of presence they could see day or night constantly hemming then in, behind or before them as needed. Forgive my complaining. Thank you for your constant daily provisions of manna (food), clothes, water, and physical strength. By faith alone, I choose to trust in your unfailing love and your abiding presence. Thank you for who you are, today, yesterday and forever. Amen. I am choosing today to “do no harm” to myself. Better choices vs comfort choices; wiser fewer choices vs many "good" choices. In the thick of this battle every choice matters. I’m in desperate need of your wisdom, clarity that comes from seeing with your eyes, your strength, and support. Today I have also run out of joy, fill me with your joy in spite of my feelings and my circumstances. Shower me with mercy for myself and others. Most of all, give me Jesus. Because...You gave it all for me. 1 hour later: Already failing. Didn’t: oil pull, dry brush, stretch, yoga, get in Your Word, make art, impatient with my husband. Ahhh!!! I hate time, time limits and rushing. I hate the pressure of going, going, going. Even going to good things. Thankful there is no time regulations in heaven. Can’t wait. I honestly sometimes don’t even know why I am trying get rid of the cancer. What reprieve it could carry me to. I’m not suicidal, that is in Your hands alone. But Your glory is incredibly more better than anything this life has to offer. I guess you have more for me to do here. Wish I knew exactly what it is. 😔 Maybe I can't handle that info now.

Clinging desperately to this passage today: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the FIRE you will not be burned; the Flames will not set you a blaze. For I am the Lord your God. Do not be afraid, for I am With You!" Matthew 6:25-34