Second Day of Testing

Sleep helped clear my foggy head, even though it took a while to get. Had to give the worry about my titanium clip over to Jesus-that didn’t take me too long to do this time thankfully. Then I had forgotten to do some healthy things (On Guard aroma therapy, frankincense topical, and lymph support) before crawling into bed. I finally got up at 10:44, did them, and fell fast asleep.

How do I feel? I think I was definitely in shock yesterday. Part of me felt and feels like I have betrayed my beliefs in choosing natural paths for healing. The other part feels helpless, like I have no other options. Just chemo, radiation, and mastectomy ...no other options here in the MidWest and nothing financially feasible anywhere (”covered by insurance”). I don’t know how to balance that, so I am going to try to just keep trusting Jesus each step of the way. That is so much easier said than practically done. A thought that kept running through my head yesterday was, “why is this happening to me? Me of all people? I do so much right/healthy compared to everyone around me. I’ve been doing most of what I know to do to prevent this. (Except stress, cheese and vino.) This makes NO sense.” I feel like every time my mind says that, a still small voice says it is for others, so I can help them. Please, Jesus, bulldoze a clear way so I know how. I will walk this for You; please bring good out of it for others.

Overheard a patient telling L*** (my ultrasound tech) how her and her husband look around the cafeteria and see all these angry people. Healing can’t come in angry feelings. Tom and I just had that conversation walking to the Cancer Center an hour ago. We see the sadness as well. So my goal is to keep looking for God’s goodness in all this. So I continue to count my thanks:

#737 Love many of the people here like Lana especially. D**** is a hoot, K******’s all smiles, the techs like P** are kind and friendly. K****’s wise, subtle advice. Loved Dr. P**** when he let his defenses down and spoke from the heart. He sounds as compassionate as Ben R. and as Brilliant as Berry R. (Even though we see things from two totally different perspectives.) And I can’t forget the lab-tech vampire who spoke my name with a Latino accent. It was easy giving him about 10 viles of blood because I made him keep repeating my name. (There are advantages to being a patient at a Cancer Center...most people accommodate your crazy wishes. Hahaha!)

#738 Good salad bar with fermented veggies! (Need to bring sea salt and EVOO next time.)

#739 Jesus stood with me every step of the trip. How do people walk this without him?

#740 MRI was painful with the attached IV, yet the machine was much more open (non-claustrophobic) than I thought, then bad when she told me she would compress "the girls", but then compression wasn’t painful. Yay! Not moving when I breathed, that was the most challenging part.

#741 Biopsy punctures much less painful today.

#742 My ice pack didn’t leak all over me while I slept.