Raw Reflections

I remember laying on a table in a dark room back in radiology. The doctor had gone over my ultrasound and mammogram results. His words, drenched with dire, contained words like “chemo”, “radiation”, “mastectomy”, and “beyond a lumpectomy”. Any other words he spoke escape my memory like a tornado of syllables flying in all directions. In the back of my mind, I have known this diagnosis was a very, very strong possibility for far too long. Even in the front of my mind, I have been preparing myself. For years, starting during our struggle with infertility, I have been researching preventative care. ("Not giving birth and not breastfeeding increase your risk" a report read.) But shock filled me nonetheless. “Why me? Why ME?! Are you kidding? Let me count the reasons why this shouldn’t be happening to me. And let’s just look around the cancer center’s cafeteria during lunch. Let’s compare my organic plate of probiotic, organic greens and to everyone else’s sugary, carb-filled, cancer feeding plates. I fast. I cleanse. I don’t douse the largest organ in my body, my skin, with cancer-causing chemicals like sodium laurel sulfate and the parabens prevalently found in most soaps, lotions, and shampoos. I do hydrotherapy, saunas, salt baths. I exercise. I prepare our own meals. I don’t eat fast food. I don’t smoke. I don’t consume gluten or sugar. I don’t use antiperspirant that blocks my glands from detoxifying. I avoid synthetic clothing. Seriously?! Why? Why?! WHY ME?!!! I don’t have time for this. I’ve got to be in a Salvador Dali surrealist painting right now. It has to be a dream; this can’t actually be happening.

Where have I gone wrong? Ok. Well, I’ve cheated and had gluten and sugar a couple times this year. Exercise keeps getting pushed further and further down the to-do list as the holidays approach and the school year responsibilities pile up. And I know, you can do everything, yes everything right and stress will still wreak havoc down to the very core of your body. Even your mitochondria. And cancer is a mitochondrial issue.

In the less than a week with this diagnosis as I have gone back over previous information and found much more. Jumping out at me, info I casually skipped before, is the emotional component. One ……… even suggested negative emotions are the #1 cause of cancer. (not sure about that) Another says, “We are 5% our conscious, 95% our subconscious.” Well, this did start during the absolute worst year of my teaching career. I had never been drowning in such emotional muck during any other time of my life. And my “why it shouldn’t be me list”? Those good things have been sporadic, not regular, and definitely not done in a concerted effort. Nor have I been an icon of joy-filled stress management since that time either…to say the least. My poor students and co-workers will attest to that. So…here I go on this physical journey, but also a journey beyond my tangible world. A place I am not comfortable. A place buried in me like a mineshaft. A place I wouldn’t dare to choose to go on my claustrophobic own. A toxic place in need of some deep cleaning. Deep cleaning that most certainly begins and ends on my knees at the foot of the cross.

Even splurging once every six months means your not technically GF because it can take up to 6 months to clear it from your system. And maybe I’ve had more sugar than I thought if you count the lactose in cheese (which you should) and whatever sugar is left in dry wine (not to mention sulfates and the fact that alcohol is a poison!.)